Nothing is ever personal.

It can take our whole lifetime to make this simple truth a living reality in our lives.

Everyone’s behaviour arises from their own experiences and perception – how they experience and view the world.  Rarely does anybody ever really ‘see’ anybody. We are too wrapped up in our own stuff, with our own fears and expectations, based on our past conditioning. We don’t mean to be, but we are. It’s how it is.

When we experience somebody, or something, the mind immediately assesses them and makes a judgement, to keep us safe. It is part of our self-defence mechanism and how the ‘fear, fight or flight’ process works. The ‘brain’ makes a rapid assessment and comes up with a conclusion: this is safe, or not.

If something is similar enough to something that hurt us in the past an emotional response, a reflex, will be triggered. It’s purpose is to get us to do something to keep ourselves safe.

So while most of us are unconsciously ‘reacting’ to whatever presents in front of us, how can anything ever be personal?

Even if you are in a workplace bullying situation and you are being targeted by a pathological bully, (this really is a stretch for our minds),  it isn’t actually about you. It never was. If it wasn’t you there would be somebody else, who presents with similar qualities, that triggers ’something’ in the bully. That is the important key: that ’something’ is IN the bully, not you. It was there before you two ever met.

If you are in this situation it is important that you take steps towards self-care and remove yourself from harm. (see “Top 17 Things To Do If You Are Being Bullied At Work”) But don’t blame yourself for it. The other person cannot even see who you really are. Something about you (and it could be something as minor as your hair colour)  is triggering a projection from their mind, and that is what they are relating to: their own projection. It is as though they are living in a movie, and you are the screen they project it onto.

Many victims of workplace bullying blame themselves. They torment themselves with thoughts of “was it my fault?”, “what did I do?” and “what could I/ should I have done differently?” The first two questions aren’t helpful, because you cannot change the other person. It is not your fault. The last question is more helpful. There are things you can learn that help you to: protect your body, mind and spirit; continue performing effectively; and avoid aggravating the situation. It is never about changing them, it is about nurturing your own well-being.

It is important that you learn:
•    how to ‘disengage’ from conflict,
•    how to relate in a neutral manner (if this is someone you need to relate with for work purposes),
•    how to respond rather than react,
•    how to care for yourself (body, heart, mind and soul) so that you continue to perform at your best and
•    how to not take it personally.

Personal coaching can help you with all of the above. If you’d like more information email Ruth@dreamcoach.co.uk for details.  It is important to know that you cannot change their mind: that is not your business. The more you try, the more your behaviour will reinforce their (mis)perception. So take steps to remove yourself from harms’ way, and learn to let it go. It really isn’t personal. It never was.

A Buddhist monk was tortured under a military regime. When asked if he was ever afraid he replied:
“Yes, I was afraid I would lose compassion for them.”

Developing compassion for our tormentors is a seperate issue. It is a slow process that also involves close examination of our own (mis) perceptions. Peace is a gradual process. With patience and persistence, it is possible to arrive at the state of mind of the monk. In the meantime, our main priority is to learn to sustain our own well-being and to remember that nothing is ever personal. Ever.

Ruth Hadikin
Supporting Stressed-Out Professionals
Stay in touch: Website Twitter Facebook LinkedIn

Further Reading:
“Top 17 Things To Do If You’re Being Bullied At Work”

“Top 12 Ways For Employers and Managers To Tackle Workplace Bullying”

“Top 10 Things To Do When You’re Told ‘You Are The Workplace Bully’”

“10 Steps To Personal Power” (originally published in Nursing Times)

“How Coaching Supports Victims of Bullying”

“Workplace Bullying in Midwifery” (originally published in MIDIRS Midwifery Digest)

“Mind The Bully: Using Emotional Intelligence” (originally published in ‘The Practising Midwife’ journal)

A story is told of a Samuri warrior, who once asked his Zen master to illustrate the difference between heaven and hell.

The Zen master replied:

“You are too stupid to understand. I couldn’t possibly explain it to an imbecele such as you.”

The Samuri flew into a rage and drew his sword ready to cut off his Masters’ head. The Zen master calmly said:
“That …is hell.”

The Samuri fell to his knees and thanked the Master for the insightful lesson.

The Zen Master then said:
“and that… is heaven”

_________________

I often contemplate this story. It is so rich in meaning, and emotional intelligence.

What does it mean?

What is hell?

We can see that being in a state of uncontrolled rage, ready to harm another, is certainly hell. It is not a state of calm, or happiness. It is a very unpleasant state. When we ‘lose it’ and become angry, even to a mild degree, we feel uncomfortable.

Also in the story, we can see the idea of somebody else having power over us, as hellish. The idea that a few words from the Zen Master had the power to induce such an intense state in the Samuri is very interesting. And is part of the seductive illusion to which we all subscribe. We all have this belief that others ’cause’ our feelings.

But is it true? Certainly it feels true in the moment, as in the case of our Samuri whose emotional state is so intense that he is ready to chop of anothers’ head, because in that moment he believes them to be the ’cause’ of his feelings. It feels very real to us, in the intense moment of an emotional ‘hi-jacking’. But when we really give some thought to this, it is not possible for a few words to have that much power over us, without us having some prior conditioning: a preconception. We must already be carrying an idea about what those words mean to us. So what is the real cause of the emotional reaction? The words of the Master? Or the prior conditioning?

Then there is the moment that the Samuri falls to his knees. We can only imagine what realization he had. Did he recognize that the root of the emotion, the ‘hell’ that he was experiencing, originated within his own mind? Did he realize that the one who had the power, was indeed himself? Did he recognize that nobody had actually hurt him? Did he realize that a ‘false’ sense of himself had been challenged? Did he experience a feeling of appreciation, of gratitude, for the Master who had the wisdom, and skill, to bring this to his awareness? There are limitless possibilities. Certainly his rage had subsided and he must have felt ‘better’ – as his emotions returned to a state of equilibrium.

Having the wisdom that our emotions originate within ourselves is not enough to stop our habitual emotional reacting. The next time the Samuri feels someone has insulted him, he may well fly into a rage again, and again. It may happen a few times before he begins to ‘catch himself’ in the moment, in an old reaction.

Having an awareness of the process is enormous, yet it is still only a beginning. We need to develop awareness and skill to change our habitual emotional responses. In Zen, the ‘goal’ is to attain the state of inner peace that cannot be disturbed. This is achieved not by ‘blaming’ the people who push our buttons, but by having an appreciation that they were the ‘Master’ for us in that moment, who brought our attention to the fact that we have buttons that can be pushed in the first place.

The coaching process supports us in identifying and changing these habitual reactions, so they no longer have power over us. From a different perspective we can choose to respond differently. Developing this awareness and skill gives us the power of choice, so we are no longer a victim of our unconscious reactions.

In case you hadn’t noticed… the holiday season is approaching fast! Some people dread Christmas, because even though it is supposed to be a time of goodwill, it is also a time that many old emotional wounds rise to the surface and our buttons can really be pushed big time!

This year, you could take some of the stress out of the holidays by keeping your attention on your own reactions to the ones who push your buttons. It is a powerful opportunity for you, like the Samuri, to shift your awareness. Will you be in hell or heaven? The choice really is yours.

Ruth Hadikin
Supporting Stressed-Out Professionals
Stay in touch through: Website Twitter Facebook LinkedIn

We are born happy. Happiness is our natural state. Then stuff happens! Somewhere along the way we get caught up in everyday living, and ‘forget’ to be happy.

During a workshop someone said to me: “But we can’t be happy all the time, can we?” The fact is that as adults we give up on the idea that we can be happy and accept our misery as an inevitable part of life. “Because stuff happens” she added.

Is happiness a rare enlightened state, reached only by Saints, Mystics and accomplished Yogis, or is it something we can all aspire to?

I once lived in a town where the Postmaster was known as ‘Grumpy Bill’. How did Bill get to be grumpy? He wasn’t born that way. Understanding our mind and emotional patterns gives us a clue. The answer lies in self-awareness – in becoming aware of our habitual emotional patterns.

Look at very young children playing in a nursery. 2-3 years old. They experience emotions as an energy that passes quickly. One minute they are happily playing. Then one takes anothers’ toy. There is unhappiness, sadness, anger, rage, despair. They run the whole gamut of the emotional scale within minutes. Then the carer asks: “Who wants Ice Cream?” and they are happy again.

Happiness is the default position: our natural state. We would naturally experience happiness most of the time if we knew how to stop the other stuff getting in the way. So how does stuff get in the way?

Let’s say your boss calls you on Sunday afternoon to ask if you’ll come in early tomorrow. You miss 5 minutes of the football game.  Now you turn to your wife and rant. “Can you believe he did that? It’s Sunday. He should know better” Okay so you felt angry for a moment but now you’re putting fuel on the fire. You’re now going to feel angry for the rest of the day, possibly even a week. It all depends on how long you keep telling yourself the story that is feeding your anger.

A natural emotional response to something lasts for only a few moments. By nature  emotions pass quickly, and a state of happiness returns. But if we ‘feed them’ with our thought patterns we keep them going. Then an emotion becomes a mood, and a mood becomes a temperament. If you’re not careful a temperament becomes your personality. It becomes how the world sees YOU.

Before you know it you are no longer ‘Sunny Jim’ and your friends are calling you ‘Grumpy Bill’. You missed the football game and your whole day was ruined. Not because your boss called an hour ago, but because of what you are still telling yourself about the boss calling.

When we experience emotions fully in the moment as children do, allowing them to pass without a story, we can have our experience and be over it in a matter of moments. Then return to our default state: Happiness. Not because we saw the football game, but because we knew how to experience our emotions and discipline our thoughts.

At dreamcoach.co.uk we can support you in returning to your default state. Contact me on ruth@dreamcoach.co.uk or visit our website and check out our books and resources. Don’t accept chronic misery as part of life!

Relax … and Be Happy! ( PS – it’s a skill!)

Ruth Hadikin
Supporting Stressed-Out Professionals
Stay in touch through: Website Twitter Facebook LinkedIn

 

Don’t they sound like the ‘ghosts of Christmas past’?

They should. They are either about the past or the future. None have their roots in the present moment.

Earlier this week I shared an article from OSHO on the ‘Inner Critic”. I read it three times to allow the profound wisdom to really sink in. I invite you to click on the link now and do the same – reading slowly.

The demands of everyday living lead us to dwell in ‘psychological’ time rather than ‘real’ time. This means that our attention is continuously called to the past, reflecting or reviewing something, or the future, planning or rehearsing something. Very rarely is our attention actually present, focused in the here and now.

This is the root cause of our stress. We spend most of our time trying to control and manage things which are not here and now. Now THAT is impossible. If we spend 90% of our time attempting the impossible no wonder we feel stressed!

The more we can bring our attention present into the here and now, the less stress we will experience.

Can you remember the last time you were so focused on whatever you were doing that you lost all track of time? Did you notice a sense of calmness during that time?

In the present moment the ‘to do’ list melts away. Along with it self-criticism, fear and doubt begin to fade too as we realise that there is only one thing to do right now, and that is whatever we are doing!

Often when we are doing something our attention is divided as our mind wanders to the myriad of ‘things we have to do next‘ or ‘things we didn’t get right last time‘. Begin ‘presencing’ by bringing your full attention to whatever you are doing right now.

Presencing takes practice. It takes mindfulness, patience, persistence and skill. When we first begin we can feel very frustrated as we realise just how much our grasshopper minds actually do leap back and forth between past and future.

Eventually, with practice, everything settles and it becomes easier to keep our awareness in the present moment.

And relax…

Ruth Hadikin
Supporting Stressed-Out Professionals
Stay in touch through: Website Twitter Facebook

Care for your mind
In part 1 we discussed techniques for relaxing the body, but relaxation techniques alone can only have a limited effect, until we really begin to look at the root cause and change something to stop stress building up in the first place. What is the root cause of stress?  The root is in our mind. We have a habitual way of thinking about those external ’stressors’, and reacting to them, that causes us to experience stress. To change this we need two things: We first need to learn some techniques to relax our minds, and calm ourselves. Then, once we feel better because our ‘agitated’ minds are calmer, we can begin to change our thinking patterns.

Our experience of stress is usually one of tension – we feel tense: as though we were holding on to something.  The body and mind work closely together. If, in our mind, we are ‘holding’ on to an idea, or an expectation, that something will happen – like getting fired for example. Our body will do its part by holding the muscles in a state of ‘readiness’ – tensed, and ready for action. So if, in our mind, we are continuously holding on to an expectation of something happening, our body will keep re-creating a state of tension, no matter how much body relaxation we do. It will continue to respond to what it is being told by our mind.

What’s the good news?
All that is needed is a change of mind. Easier said than done. It is a simple idea, yet it takes time, patience and effort on our part to make sustained lasting change. The good news is that frequent short exercises are more effective than longer ones practised occasionally. You can begin with 5 minutes a day and work up from there.

There is plenty of help available these days. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT, which incidentally is available on the NHS), Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), and the Sedona Method, are just a few of the many techniques available for examining and changing how we think.  Some have their origins in Buddhist mind-training and meditation techniques.  They differ from one another in that they work in different ways. Some techniques can be very simple too. If you can’t access any of the above, for whatever reason, one very simple exercise you could practise whenever you feel stressed-out is simply to ask yourself:

“What do I need to let go of here?”

You might realise you were trying to hold on to an old way of doing things that is no longer working or you. Remember it is frequency and duration that make the biggest impact.  If you practice this simple technique often, and keep it going, you will eventually find yourself feeling less stressed even though the outside situation may not have changed.

How Process Coaching helps…
If we are really determined to change our long-term patterns for life, then having a coach is worth considering. Coaching, through a process of affirmative inquiry, assists us in identifying patterns that we want to change, and supports us as we put steps in place to make those changes permanent. For example: are you feeling stressed but still saying ‘yes’ when you really mean ‘no’?  Have you ever explored that? Process coaching helps us to look underneath long-standing patterns that keep us stuck, feeling disempowered and stressed, and assists us in making lasting change. For information about coaching check out the Coaches Training Institute (CTI) and the Association for Coaching.  Conscious Journey offer a free monthly teleclass called ‘CoachingNow’ and on sign up you receive a free mp3 download to witness how this process works.

Put your support systems in place
Healthy support systems are essential to maintain our well being through these difficult and stressful times. What would a healthy support system look like for you? Where do you need to set boundaries? Are you balancing your time well between work commitments and sufficient rest and relaxation? Are you simply making sure you eat well, and get enough sleep? It will be different for everyone but it is worthwhile taking a few moments now to consider what your essential needs are for staying healthy and balanced.  Draw up a simple support system for yourself that can easily be integrated into your lifestyle.

The biggest investment you can make at this time is to invest in your own well-being.

Ruth Hadikin is a coach and author based in the UK.

Ruth Hadikin Associates
Coaching, Training & Development. One to one support for stressed-out professionals. Bespoke training in stress awareness, resiliency, emotional intelligence and communication. Specialist advice and consultancy on workplace bullying.

Ruth is Author of “Effective Coaching in Healthcare” and co-author with Muriel O’Driscoll of “The Bullying Culture”
ruth@dreamcoach.co.uk
www.dreamcoach.co.uk
07811 457454

Are you ready to reduce stress in your life? Visit our resources page and/or talk to Ruth today.

 

What causes stress and what can we do about it?

Stress is becoming an unpleasant but necessary part of our busy lives these days. We are losing jobs, careers, money, having to downsize and take jobs we normally wouldn’t want. So there are many reasons for us to feel stressed.

We normally experience stress as coming from outside of us: too much to do, not enough time, and feeling under pressure. The external factors that contribute to stress are known as ‘stressors’. In fact, there are both external and internal factors that contribute to our feeling stressed. This is important to know because while we may have no control over what life is throwing at us, we certainly can have total control over how we react and respond to it. So no matter how stressed we are feeling there is always something we can do about it, if we invest some time in learning how. By working to change our internal stress responses we can feel much more relaxed, confident and in control, even though the outer situation hasn’t changed. This will also reduce many of the harmful effects associated with long-term stress, such as digestive disorders and high blood pressure.

Just relax!
I say that with tongue firmly in cheek! Relaxation really is easier said than done, especially for people already suffering from long-term stress. It is important though to use some form of physical relaxation techniques so that your body learns to release tension on a regular basis. Our bodies hold tension, and if we don’t give our bodies the opportunity to release tension on a daily basis, they forget how! I was fortunate enough to learn the Laura Mitchell  relaxation technique when I was a student midwife. In addition to teaching this technique in ante-natal classes, I practised it myself every night, especially during stressful times in my life! Using a technique such as this twice a day will help to break the body’s habit of holding on to tension.

What is wrong with just having a drink and watching TV to relax?
It simply isn’t effective. The results are very short-term. Alcohol is a muscle relaxant and so, on taking that first drink, the muscles relax, the tension leaves and you feel better instantly. The problem is this state of relaxation has been chemically induced, so your muscles didn’t learn how to do it for themselves. To relax next time, you will need the chemical again, and that creates dependency. Not to mention the health problems associated with long-term alcohol use. This is a temporary measure at best. It is far better to teach your body how to release tension without the need for chemicals.

Despite popular belief, watching TV is not relaxing. Our mind is being constantly stimulated, and we are exposing ourselves to ‘the movie effect’, which creates more anxiety. Basically our bodies can’t tell the difference between something that is happening to us, and something on the TV (which is why we often cry at movies). So watching drama and violence on TV can actually have the opposite effect by increasing our inner levels of anxiety. Ever noticed your heart racing when it gets to an exciting scene? This is because your body believes that everything you see is actually happening to you! Scary stuff eh?

Learning to relax your body and developing awareness of the effects of mental stimulants like TV, can be very beneficial in building up your resistance to external stress. In part 2 we will explore how, by learning to relax our mind, we can further strengthen our immunity to stress.

Ruth Hadikin is a coach and author based in the UK.

Ruth Hadikin Associates
Coaching, Training & Development. One to one support for stressed-out professionals. Bespoke training in stress awareness, resiliency, emotional intelligence and communication. Specialist advice and consultancy on workplace bullying.

Ruth is Author of “Effective Coaching in Healthcare” and co-author with Muriel O’Driscoll of “The Bullying Culture”
ruth@dreamcoach.co.uk
www.dreamcoach.co.uk
07811 457454

Are you ready to reduce stress in your life? Visit our resources page and/or talk to Ruth today.

 

Hi folks,

It’s official! A recent research study concludes:

“Emotional Intelligence (EI) coaching for doctors is needed to optimize the relationship with the patients” (see end of this mail)

Coincidentally, during the Conscious Journey Medical and Holistic telecall last week it became apparent that healthcare professionals may not automatically make a connection between coaching, emotional intelligence and the important role of coaching as a tool for increasing emotional intelligence in healthcare. In fact it became apparent that they may not know what emotional intelligence is, let alone why they should need coaching to increase it!

It is important that we join up the dots for healthcare professionals, practitioners, providers and educators because the association is not at first obvious.

Some years ago I researched workplace bullying in healthcare, which is a symptom of low emotional intelligence. The solution to a workplace culture of bullying and toxic relationships is to increase emotional intelligence, and coaching is a very effective tool for doing that. In my opinion it is the best tool that we have so far for increasing emotional intelligence.

So this is the important message… increasing emotional intelligence in the workplace leads to profound effects in improving the working environment:

• reducing stress,
• improving staff turnover,
• increasing employee job satisfaction,
• improved sickness / absence levels,
• improved retention and
• saving thousands of dollars in staff health, recruitment and re-training costs.

And how do we increase emotional intelligence? Through coaching and not just any coaching, emotionally intelligent coaching. The degree of emotional intelligence (specifically presence and awareness) of the coach makes a difference. (if you’re not familiar with emotional intelligence, you can find out more here)

The message is simple.. want to have happier staff, happier patients, save money and reduce stress? develop a coaching culture. But as coaches we can’t skip to the punchline because healthcare practitioners and providers need to know how. We need to fill in the blanks.

Every time we collect a little piece of research like this re-affirming the connection between coaching – emotional intelligence – and improved outcomes, it strengthens the case for coaching in healthcare.

SIG co-host Anya Sophia and myself are co-facilitating a ”Coaching in Healthcare” program which begins in November. This is an easily accessible distance learning program offered through telegatherings (teleseminars) which may be invaluable to you and / or your team. Feel free to spread the word by forwarding the link.

As coaches and health professionals it serves us to familiarise ourselves with the essentials of emotional intelligence and it’s role in transforming healthcare culture. Then, if we also work on increasing our own emotional intelligence, we are much better placed to make a case for coaching as an effective tool in transforming healthcare culture.

As we transform ourselves we transform the culture.

Enjoy your week!

Warm Regards, Ruth Hadikin

Ruth Hadikin is a Personal Development Coach and an Associate of Conscious Journey Institute
web: www.ConsciousJourneyInstitute.com
e-mail: Ruth@ConsciousJourneyInstitute.com
phone 44 (0) 130 964 1058 (UK)

Join Our Community at: http://www/ConsciousJourneyInstitute.com/commcomm.htm
Join Our Email list at: http://visitor.roving.com/email.jsp?m=1011233814090

 

 

 

 

Weng, H.C., Chen, H.C, Chen, H.J, Lu, K., & Hung. S.Y. (2008). Doctors’ emotional intelligence and the patient-doctor relationship. Medical Education, 42, 703-711.

This study explored the associations among patients’ trust, patient-doctor relationship (PDR), and doctors’ EI as measured by WLEIS, a 16 item self-report EI measure. A total of 994 outpatients and 39 doctors representing 11 specialties participated in the study. In addition to the doctors, three nurse directors rated doctors’ EI using the same scale. The findings showed that there was no significant association between a doctor’s self reported EI and patient-rated trust and the PDR. However, nurse-rated EI of doctors was positively associated with patient trust and the PDR. The main implication of the study is that 360 EI tests may be a better evaluation of doctors’ EI than self-report measures and that EI coaching for doctors is needed to optimize the relationship with the patients. (extract published in EI Consortium update)

 

I really like this blog that discusses the importance of coaching during these difficult times of world transition…. as the author Corinna says:

“Whether we like it or not, we are entering what many believe will be ‘transition years’, where our habits, relationships, goals and priorities will need re-assessing and re-establishing.”

Absolutely…. the party’s over and nature is forcing us to change whether we like it or not. We are evolving. It is time for us to grow into the people we always wanted to be. It is time for us to wake up, leave the nest and learn to fly.

At least it’s good to know that we have plenty of support around to help us through. You can read the full article at:

http://coachingtransition.wordpress.com/

Ruth Hadikin is a Personal Development Coach based in Scotland, UK.

Click HERE to read about the Conscious Journey Community

Join our email list

 

 

I have just watched this beautiful video from the Heartmath institute http://www.heartmath.com/peace/

I loved the quote “Peace is an Inside Job” Wonderful!

I’ll remember that… may I always be able to practice it too.

Those Heartmath people… they’re right on the button!

‘coincidentally’ (and I don’t believe in coincidences!) this article on ‘emotional contagion’ (how our moods affect others) dropped in at the same time…

http://www.6seconds.org/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=267

OK so you can see where I’m going with this, right? How many of us would it take, being peaceful, to get the planet to shift… not that many, I’ll bet!

(Maybe we should get bumper stickers made “Peace is an Inside Job”, luvvit!!)

Have a peaceful week,

Warmly, Ruth

Ruth Hadikin is a Personal Development Coach based in Scotland, UK.

Click HERE to read about the Conscious Journey Community

Join our email list

 

 

If I received an email with that in the subject header I would hit delete with no hesitation, convinced that somebody was trying to sell me some of those dodgy miracle-pills that make you lose weight fast and probably kill you in the process!

Yet it is absolutely possible to lose weight, in a gentle way, without dieting, and feeling easy (at ease) in the process. I wouldn’t have believed that myself a few years ago. I would have said: “OK, so where’s the catch?” There isn’t one. It is absolutely possible. How do I know? Because I did it.  It takes discipline, a committment to yourself, and time. Thinking very long term, doing it slowly, and taking it easy are key elements.

Why not just relax?

Why does it have to be fast? Think about it. What’s the hurry? You have got the rest of your life so why not just relax? It took a long time to get overweight and it will take a long time to lose it. I calculated that I had 8 stone (112 pounds) to lose and that even if I could lose a stone (14 pounds) a year that would take me 8 years. Actually, it took 6 years. But at the time of my calculation I felt totally depressed, went for a chinese meal, and ate a ton of ice-cream. It felt too much. Too difficult. I felt overwhelmed. My weight at that time was over 20 stone (280 pounds) and rising. I wasn’t just overweight I was clinically obese. Obesity was on my health record, as a diagnosis. It got to the point where I wouldn’t go and see the doctor even if I was sick, because somehow or other weight would always be the issue. I felt judged. I felt ashamed AND I knew what to do. I knew about diets. I had a background in healthcare, I knew all about healthy eating, and knew exactly what I ’should’ be eating. “yeah, yeah, fresh fruits and vegetables, I KNOW” But I wanted to eat chinese food, ice-cream, drink Guinness, and eat steak and chips, mmmmm!

I often pondered the question why we don’t do what we know is good for us. Even though I had health challenges, which the weight wasn’t helping. I knew what to do. Yet I wasn’t doing it. Then in 2001 I hired a coach. I didn’t hire a coach to lose weight, I would never have hired a ‘weight loss’ coach because I didn’t want to be put on a diet. I knew I could do it myself if I was going to and anyway, I was going to carry on eating and drinking what I liked thank you very much! But I was doing coach training and wanted to begin working on my personal development (PD) so I hired a coach.

How on earth does personal development lead to losing weight? The coach I hired was  Anya Sophia Mann and she introduced me to the Conscious Journey. So what does that mean? Well curiously enough , at that time, my life was very ’split’, compartmentalised. I’d always kept work and home life seperate, most of us do, but I didn’t really realise how much. For example I thought I could do coach training, and personal development, and in my mind that was associated with ’stuff to do with work’, not ’stuff to do with ME’! Yet there really is no separation. One of the first things Anya introduced me to was the practice of self-observation. A vital practice in personal development. I laugh now when I look back because I thought I was pretty self-aware. Boy, did I have alot to learn.

Conscious eating

Continual self-observation was the main tool that lead to deeper awareness. This entailed noticing ‘who I was being’ in every area of my life. I eventually had to confront my gremlins and realise how, by compartmentalising my life as I did, I was successfully locking away the uncomfortable parts that I didn’t want to look at. I had so many aspects of my life all neatly packed away in seperate boxes, yet I believed in ‘holistic’ health. I truly believed we were all part of one big whole, that the earth is like a hologram, and everything affects everything else. I believed it, but I wasn’t living it. Self-observation  brought me to the place of deeper awareness of my whole life. No stone was left unturned, which eventually led me to conscious eating.

I ate fast. I ate like a racehorse. No, actually racehorses ate slower than me. Food disappeared off my plate as soon as it was put in front of me. I couldn’t get it down fast enough. So the first thing was to slow down and be aware of everything while I was eating. What was I thinking, feeling, tasting, experiencing? There were no other rules. Anya first invited me to eat slowly and I didn’t want to. I said I won’t enjoy it, I like eating fast. So she said well eat fast then, but with awareness. Bringing awareness to eating and drinking was the key. Eventually I did slow down, paying attention and listening to my body. I realised that often my body didn’t want half the stuff I thought I wanted. I was letting my ‘mind’ and habit, decide what to eat. I would think of ice-cream and think I wanted it because I had thought of it, or craved it. When it was in my hand, if I really listened, sometimes my body didn’t want it.

Learning to feel full

Learning to feel when I was full was a huge breakthrough. This took some time. I used to envy people who knew when they’d had enough and would just stop eating. I’d think ‘how do you do that?’ while I continued shovelling the food down until my plate was clear. This is where the holistic piece matters. Everything affects everything else. Learning to feel was a pre-requisite for learning to feel when I was full. So the inner work I was doing on my emotions and feelings, was now being applied to the area of food. And the close relationship between food and emotions. Before I could feel full, I had to be able to feel.

I was unaware of how dependent I’d become on food and alcohol to manage stress in my life. This seems so obvious now, I can’t imagine how I was so unaware. But this is how clever we are at compartmentalising aspects of ourselves that we don’t want to, or can’t, face. The Conscious Journey work with Anya allowed me to very gently, and slowly, begin acknowledging and accepting all the aspects of myself that I had ‘locked out’ of my awareness. Bringing awareness to everything.

Self-observation is not easy. As soon as we begin, we might see all the things we’d rather not see in ourselves: our fears, judgements, and predjudices. All the things that make us human. All the things that make us like everybody else. But eventually, exquisite self-observation brings us ‘home’ to ourselves (as Anya would say). Once we have accepted all the aspects of ourselves that we have locked out, we become whole. We can lose our other crutches and coping mechanisms, and rely on ourselves, our powers of acceptance, self-forgiveness, self-observation, and deeper awareness.

We can lose weight, with ease, by simply being consious. With awareness we might eat slower, or less, who knows? But in our awareness something changes.

Don’t even think about it!

I don’t even know what I weigh. I know my clothes went from size 32 to size 18. I’m now wearing jeans again! Anya invited me to not have weight be ‘an issue’. This meant not obsessing over it. Now what happens if you ‘go on a diet’? Yes. All your time and attention is suddenly taken up by thinking about food in a way that you never did before and, more importantly, on all those things you ’shouldn’t’ have. If I say to you ‘don’t have ice-cream’, suddenly you’re thinking about ice-cream. I just put the idea in your head.

So I didn’t weigh myself, and I focused my attention on other things like awareness and self-acceptance. I spent my time focusing on what I did want, not on what I didn’t want. Eventually I started to feel better about being me, continued eating what I liked, enjoyed my food and I lost a heck of alot of weight. Almost, it feels, without trying. (Well it was without focusing on it). But it wasn’t fast. My weight came down gradually over the period from 2001 to 2008. (Although I’ve been wearning jeans since 2006!)

There is a little more to it than just not weighing myself, and conscious eating, but that was a major turning point. Once my awareness developed the other pieces fell into place. I understood myself and my relationship with food more deeply. Also, having the support of a coach was invaluable. Even though I’d like to take the credit, I don’t know if I would have trusted the process, and stuck it out, without someone there to support me. Anya’s support was priceless.

This is such a relaxed, easy way to be with this. I wish every obese person knew how much better you can feel, and how ‘easy’ it can be. This is a gift for life. And you need never diet again. If you know someone who is suffering on account of their weight please pass this along to them. If this is you, then email me and connect. You really can feel so much better about your life.

Enjoy your self, your life, and your food!

Warmly, Ruth

Ruth Hadikin is a Personal Development Coach based in Scotland, UK.

Click HERE to read about the Conscious Journey Community

Join our email list