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I’m being kind of tongue-in-cheek when I say this is boundary setting 101 because, even though we might know all these stages, it can actually take a lifetime to learn how to put them into practice with all our friends, family and co-workers.

These stages don’t have to be followed in order, and for the most part, with most reasonable people, we will never need to go beyond stage one. For instance if we are friends and you inform (step 1) me that you feel uncomfortable about something, I’m going to want to change that behavior right away, because we are friends and I care about you.

The Six Stages of Boundary Setting

So here we go with the classic six stages of boundary setting. Remember boundaries are not brick walls to keep people out. They are imaginary boundaries that we draw to protect mind, body and soul and allow us to be with others in a way that honors us both.

At any point if you feel threatened, or you are getting ‘wound up’, you can leave – you don’t have to work through every stage, and you should certainly never put yourself at risk of mental, emotional or physical harm by struggling with someone who is obviously not listening to you.

1.    Inform.

Let the other person know your standard, or what is bothering you. It is amazing how often I hear people say he knows, or more often ‘he should know by now’. If there is a problem, why not clearly and simply let the other person know? Don’t make a big guessing game out of it.

Example: Do you know I feel repulsed by dirty jokes?

2.     Request.

If the other person hasn’t already done so (and most will) simply and clearly ask them to stop or change the behavior, for example:

Will you stop telling dirty jokes when I’m around?

3.     Educate.

Give alternatives, and/or model the new behavior yourself.

Example: Tell the same joke but give the cleaned up version.

4.     Warn.

It mostly never comes to this. However with a few people, if the behavior keeps repeating, it may be necessary to give fair warning that there will be consequences if the intransigent behavior continues.

Example: If you continue telling those jokes, I’ll leave.

You’ll need to give this some careful thought because if you give a warning you must be able to carry it through, or your boundaries go down the pan. If this is a social situation you might warn that you’re going home if it continues.

If it is a workplace situation you might warn that you’ll speak to your boss to request a switch of office or working environment, or change shifts to avoid this person. It is better to keep it immediate, such as just leaving the room on this occasion.

5.     Demand.

You’ve given your warning, so if the behavior continues you make a final demand. Firmly insist they stop or change the behavior right now, or you will do whatever you said you would in step 4 (above).

6.     Leave.

Remove yourself from the immediate situation. At least leave the room. Show clearly that you are not willing to be with the behavior. Clearly  let the other person know that it is not them, but the behavior that you find unacceptable. Then leave.

Depending upon the severity of the behavior this may mean leaving the relationship, but it usually just means leaving the immediate situation until the offending behavior stops.

If you set high standards you have to be prepared to follow through yourself. You can’t expect others to respect your boundaries if you don’t, so be consistent. If you say you don’t like swearing, for example, then don’t swear yourself.

Creating The Optimum Environment

Set the scene. Any good gardener would prepare the ground first, before planting seeds, to make sure those seeds have the best chance to grow. Planting seeds in our relationships is no different!

Begin with the small stuff, and the easy people first. People who you know will be open and receptive to what you have to say. Practice your skills and develop your competence before you even begin addressing difficult issues, and/or people.

When setting boundaries always, always, be calm – with no emotional charge. Don’t even try setting boundaries when you are angry or charged. Calm down first.

Keep your language simple, clear, and focused on the behavior and how you feel about it. Don’t elaborate or bring in illustrations from the past to ‘make your case’. It just doesn’t help.

Remember your goal is not to make the other person feel bad but rather to change the behavior, so you want their full co-operation.

This is not about making the other person wrong or scoring points. It is about creating an environment of mutual respect in which your relationship can grow.

Related Article: Calm Down – And Set Strong Boundaries

Ruth Hadikin is a Coach and Author. She supports people through coaching, training and public speaking. For more information visit dreamcoach.co.uk

For personal support with communication and relating skills contact ruth@dreamcoach.co.uk

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