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One of the most advanced relating skills we can develop, is the ability to allow others to have their reaction.

One of the biggest reasons why we don’t set boundaries, even when we know how to, is because we either fear the reactions of others, or we feel guilty. Guilt comes from the erroneous belief that we caused the other persons reaction.

When we change ourselves, others around us will react to that change. At least two factors will be influencing their reaction: their own past conditioning, and an unconscious desire to get you to change back.

First let’s look at reactions caused by past-conditioning. We can do this by remembering the ‘three women on the bus’. The story goes like this:

Three women get on a bus, and just before they pay, they have a discussion about where they will get off. The driver becomes irate, loses his temper and shouts at them: “you should have decided where you wanted to get off, before you got on the bus!” (btw that was his reaction!)

The women quickly pay and go to the back of the bus, whereupon one woman bursts into tears saying “this is so embarassing, he’s right, we should have decided before we got on.”

A second woman is furious, she says “Is he heck right! Who does he think he is to speak to us like that? I’ve a good mind to get down there and poke him in the eye!”

And the third woman bursts out laughing. The other two look at her and say “What are you laughing at?” She says “This reminds me of home. Back home the bus drivers are always like him!”

So we can see that each woman had a very different reaction to the bus driver’s outburst. Did the bus driver make the first woman sad, the second woman angry, and the third woman happy? No! He doesn’t have that power. Each reaction was based on the individual woman’s past experience, and past-conditioning.

In our relationships we become so convinced that we are sad, angry, or happy because of what the other person said or did, that we lose sight of this vitally important point:

It was not what the bus driver did that caused their reaction,
but their own past conditioning.

Likewise the other persons reaction is caused by their past-conditioning, and not by you. So when it comes to us raising our standards, and setting boundaries, before we begin we already know that others are going to react. How they react depends upon their past conditioning. Knowing that their own past-conditioning, and hence their reaction, is not actually about us, helps us to take a step back and not engage with it.

This takes some skill. We don’t want to shut the other person out of our hearts completely. So it is important to be able to hold them in a compassionate light, and care about them. Remembering that these changes are not their choice. However, neither do we want to overstep the mark and slip into care-taking their behavior. It is not our job to try and fix the other person or change them. So this means not engaging with, or trying to fix, their reaction. That is not our responsibility.

In relationship we are only responsible for our own conduct and behavior, and the other person is responsible for theirs. Walking the fine line of staying in the middle, keeping our boundaries in place, and caring for others without care-taking them, takes quite a mature and advanced set of skills. When we can finally walk this fine line with grace and compassion we set ourselves, and others, free.

We do this by allowing.
Allow them their reaction, knowing you didn’t cause it.

Don’t try to fix them. They are on their own journey, as much as you are on yours. Hold them in a compassionate light, and at the same time be very compassionate with yourself. In allowing their reaction, this does not mean you put yourself in harms way. If there is the slightest hint of mental, emotional or physical abuse towards you in their reaction, then you leave the situation. Keeping yourself safe at all times is paramount. (see the six stages of boundary setting)

Most of us go through life in ‘reaction’. Most of our relationships are simply reaction meeting reaction. If we look at many relationships at home and work, including those behaviors that lead up to (and following) divorce, we will see an ongoing ‘dance’ of unconscious reaction meeting unconscious reaction.

Having the ability to step to the side, and not react to anothers’ unconscious reaction, is the first step to conscious relating. It puts us in a place of choice. And from there something can be different, and better, for all concerned.

In Part Two we will look at ‘change-back’ reactions, what they are, and what to do about them!

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Ruth Hadikin is a Coach and Author. She supports people through coaching, training and public speaking. For more information visit dreamcoach.co.uk

For personal support with communication and relating skills contact ruth@dreamcoach.co.uk

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