The path of personal and spiritual development is really one of growing up. Chronologically our physical body can be aged 40 or 50 yet our mental-emotional body can still be two, three, five years of age or whatever: whenever our emotional ‘wounding’ set in. Our journey is really one of supporting our ‘little kids’ as they grow up.
When researching The Bullying Culture I spoke to grown women, most aged over 30, who repeatedly told me “when she spoke to me like that I felt like a little kid being told off“. They didn’t mean it positively (like they felt as joyful and free as a child), they meant they felt small, belittled, their bottom lip began to tremble and they wanted to, or did, run away and cry. This reaction is common and afterwards we often feel shame, because ‘adults aren’t supposed to feel like that’. We’re supposed to be ‘strong’.
So what is going on? The answer is easy to understand intellectually, but then changing our emotional reactions when faced with such ‘triggers’ takes some work.
This is simply a conditioned response in us. If we grew up around an adult who had rage and anger issues, or were in a situation as a small child where we felt powerless and were repeatedly ‘told off’ or criticised by an adult or sibling, we may experience a feeling of powerlessness when confronted with a similar scenario to the one that hurt us in the past.
The ‘amygdala’ is the part of our brain responsible for our emotional responses. It controls our ‘fear, fight or flight’ response. Our cognitive mind – the part of our brain that is responsible for thinking – is accurate, but slow. Mental processing takes time. There are situations where thinking could get you killed!
If a Tiger leapt out at you, and you had to think about what to do, it would be too late. So the amygdala has the power to override the cognitive brain. It’s job is to keep you safe. It is fast and will get you out of harm’s way in a jiffy. However, it sacrifices accuracy for speed. And this is the important bit to understand when it comes to our emotional responses: something only has to be vaguely similar to what hurt you in the past, for the amygdala to be triggered.
Once you are in the grip of an ‘emotional hi-jacking’, you cannot think. Because your cognitive mind has been ‘switched-off’ it is not possible. So it’s no good beating yourself up later for all the things you could or would have said. When we are emotionally aroused we cannot think.
The only thing to do is to be aware. Notice that your emotional response has been triggered, breathe deeply, and do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself in the moment, and begin calming down. Only when calm has returned will your cognitive mind begin to work again.
Just like our story of the ‘three women on the bus‘, your reaction is not actually about what the other person said or did. It is not about them. They may not have even meant you any harm. It could actually be a friend who just ‘loses it’ for a moment. Your reaction is not about them, it is about you, and your conditioned responses.
The crying and trembling happens because our fight or flight is distorted due to social conditioning. It is usually not socially acceptable to fight a co-worker, or run away, and so mentally we try and suppress a powerful emotional-hormonal reaction.
The solution is not to engage or challenge the other person, but to take time out to recognize your emotional responses and take care of yourself. Depending upon the intensity of your reaction, you may have to remove yourself from their physical space, so that your body will feel safe.
Breathing deeply and bringing yourself fully present into this moment is a powerful technique. Remind your body that you are right here, right now, and that in this new moment, you are safe. (Make sure you really are safe: removing yourself from any real physical danger is the first priority).
In most cases there is no physical danger but the body is reacting as though there is, because it is recalling a past event (when you were too young to know whether it was safe, or not). Telling your body you are now safe is very important: the amygdala will only switch off and allow you to return to normal when it is assured of your physical safety.
The other person cannot be mindful of you. Think about it. They are also in the grip of an emotional charge: and therefore they are not able to think. They cannot be mindful of themselves, let alone you. It is your responsibility, and yours alone, to take good care of you. When you know how to effectively take good care of yourself, this is true strength.
Over time, with practice, the ‘trigger’ will lose it’s power. We will be ‘unconditioned’, as our body learns to not react that way, in similar situations. This process however takes time, patience, and our caring, loving attention. This is the process of growing-up emotionally: taking responsibility for our own needs, and doing whatever it takes to heal ourselves.
Over time, it will be possible to be around others who ‘lose it’ sometimes, without feeling like a little kid, but first we need to give that little kid all the time and space they need, in order to heal.
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Ruth Hadikin is a Coach and Author. She supports people through coaching, training and public speaking. For more information visit dreamcoach.co.uk
For personal support with communication and relating skills contact ruth@dreamcoach.co.uk
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