However to shift from a strong feeling state like anger, we need another feeling state, indeed possibly a sequence of feeling states, to step into. At least, at first. According to Author Lauren Holmes in her book “Peak Evolution: Beyond Peak Performance and Peak Experience” it is possible to quantum-leap to the desired feeling state, but before we can do this, we need to create a conditioned reflex. And in order to do THAT, we need to know the feeling state we want to experience. If we can’t imagine it, we cannot create it. Imagination is key to our creativity.

In order to cultivate patience then, it is very helpful to be able to recognize it as a feeling state. I notice within myself that it takes time to calm down, once agitated. The ‘forward moving’ energy that was heading in a particular direction, begins to swirl around. This is because we are often angry when thwarted.

I think of the example of my ‘popping’ ( a word we use in the UK when we think an errand will take 5 minutes or less!)  into a shop in India to buy a memory stick for my camera, and still being there two hours later. (You have to be in India to understand – it would try the patience of a saint). What I thought would take ten minutes at most (en route to a day trip), turned into a project which took up half a day, and the morning was gone.

My energy had been moving towards the day trip and, when thwarted, I had to drop into a different space and release the idea. It just wasn’t happening. This feeling state of ‘movement which has suddenly ceased’ is reflected in our use of language, when we use phrases like ‘hitting a brick wall’.

If we watch closely when we feel anger, we might notice a quality of swirling around – as though the energy is looking for an outlet. With practice it is possible to shift to the center. As though the swirling was a hurricane, and you were able to stand in the stillness at the eye of the storm, and just watch from there.

So now, if we try put words to the feeling state of patience, stillness would be one of the first I would probably come up with. We ‘drop in’ to a different space. There is a quality of stillness to it. We drop expectations, and any idea of trying to ‘make something happen’ (this would start the swirling, or agitated, energy again!) But stillness alone isn’t enough. Suppressed anger also is still yet with a seething, brooding quality to it. For patience to be beneficial we have to really drop into a space of tranquility. There is a relaxation to is. A release. There are elements of peace, serenity, tranquility, and even silence.

What words would you use to describe your experience of ‘patience’ as a feeling state?

Once we have identified patience as a feeling state, we have something to work with. Something that we can cultivate, and use as a blueprint for creating a conditioned reflex. I like to use a visual image of releasing a seat belt:  just pressing a button and releasing an idea, or emotion that fast! This is my visual aid to help create a conditioned reflex, you can use this or come up with your own – the key is that it effectively supports you in changing your feeling state.

I’m not there 100% of the time but I’m working on it! If we  can at least imagine the feeling of patience, we have a strong foundation for cultivating patience as an antidote to anger.

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Ruth Hadikin is a Coach and Author.  She supports people through coaching, training and public speaking. For more information visit dreamcoach.co.uk

For personal support with communication and relating skills contact ruth@dreamcoach.co.uk

When researching The Bullying Culture I spoke to grown women, most aged over 30, who repeatedly told me “when she spoke to me like that I felt like a little kid being told off“. They didn’t mean it positively (like they felt as joyful and free as a child), they meant they felt small, belittled, their bottom lip began to  tremble and they wanted to, or did, run away and cry. This reaction is common and afterwards we often feel shame, because ‘adults aren’t supposed to feel like that’. We’re supposed to be ‘strong’.

So what is going on? The answer is easy to understand intellectually, but then changing our emotional reactions when faced with such ‘triggers’ takes some work.

This is simply a conditioned response in us. If we grew up around an adult who had rage and anger issues, or were in a situation as a small child where we felt powerless and were repeatedly ‘told off’ or criticised by an adult or sibling, we may experience a feeling of powerlessness when confronted with a similar scenario to the one that hurt us in the past.

The ‘amygdala’ is the part of our brain responsible for our emotional responses. It controls our ‘fear, fight or flight’ response. Our cognitive mind – the part of our brain that is responsible for thinking – is accurate, but slow. Mental processing takes time. There are situations where thinking could get you killed!

If a Tiger leapt out at you, and you had to think about what to do, it would be too late. So the amygdala has the power to override the cognitive brain. It’s job is to keep you safe. It is fast and will get you out of harm’s way in a jiffy. However, it sacrifices accuracy for speed. And this is the important bit to understand when it comes to our emotional responses: something only has to be vaguely similar to what hurt you in the past, for the amygdala to be triggered.

Once you are in the grip of an ‘emotional hi-jacking’, you cannot think. Because your cognitive mind has been ‘switched-off’ it is not possible. So it’s no good beating yourself up later for all the things you could or would have said. When we are emotionally aroused we cannot think.

The only thing to do is to be aware. Notice that your emotional response has been triggered, breathe deeply, and do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself in the moment, and begin calming down. Only when calm has returned will your cognitive mind begin to work again.

Just like our story of the ‘three women on the bus‘, your reaction is not actually about what the other person said or did. It is not about them. They may not have even meant you any harm. It could actually be a friend who just ‘loses it’ for a moment. Your reaction is not about them, it is about you, and your conditioned responses.

The crying and trembling happens because our fight or flight is distorted due to social conditioning. It is usually not socially acceptable to fight a co-worker, or run away, and so mentally we try and suppress a powerful emotional-hormonal reaction.

The solution is not to engage or challenge the other person, but to take time out to recognize your emotional responses and take care of yourself. Depending upon the intensity of your reaction, you may have to  remove yourself from their physical space, so that your body will feel safe.

Breathing deeply and bringing yourself fully present into this moment is a powerful technique. Remind your body that you are right here, right now, and that in this new moment, you are safe. (Make sure you really are safe: removing yourself from any real physical danger is the first priority).

In most cases there is no physical danger but the body is reacting as though there is, because it is recalling a past event (when you were too young to know whether it was safe, or not). Telling your body you are now safe is very important: the amygdala will only switch off and allow you to return to normal when it is assured of your physical safety.

The other person cannot be mindful of you. Think about it. They are also in the grip of an emotional charge: and therefore they are not able to think. They cannot be mindful of themselves, let alone you. It is your responsibility, and yours alone, to take good care of you. When you know how to effectively take good care of yourself, this is true strength.

Over time, with practice, the ‘trigger’ will lose it’s power. We will be ‘unconditioned’, as our body learns to not react that way, in similar situations. This process however takes time, patience, and our caring, loving attention. This is the process of growing-up emotionally: taking responsibility for our own needs, and doing whatever it takes to heal ourselves.

Over time, it will be possible to be around others who ‘lose it’ sometimes, without feeling like a little kid, but first we need to give that little kid all the time and space they need, in order to heal.

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Ruth Hadikin is a Coach and Author. She supports people through coaching, training and public speaking. For more information visit dreamcoach.co.uk

For personal support with communication and relating skills contact ruth@dreamcoach.co.uk

Question:

Do you remember on one of our residentials – the class were freaking out until all hours of the morning – I was fuming with all the noise and off you trotted to your room right by the door, meditated and had a glorious nights sleep – How????

I’ve got barking neighbours dogs driving me crazy Ruth Help!

Answer:

This is a very common issue which most of us can relate to at one time or another. The skills of boundary-setting and good communication can make an enormous difference, by helping us to resolve the ‘dog-issue’ without damaging our relationship with the neighbors.

Usually, when we set boundaries, we are seeking to change the outside world, to make ourselves feel better.

When we begin to meditate, however, we may consciously choose to do things a little differently. In meditation, we are beginning the journey of making ourselves feel better, by changing ourselves. We are working on our own mind.

As a beginner, it is preferred to find somewhere quiet and relatively free from distractions while you are still learning to meditate. But over time, some potential distractions, such as barking dogs, can actually support your practice by giving you something to work with, in observing how your own mind works.

The most difficult thing for us to ignore is a human voice – if we hear people talking, or singing, even over radio, or TV it can be a huge distraction, because by nature we are designed to ‘tune in’ to another human.

Barking dogs are different. It is an opportunity to notice what happens with your mind, when you become aware that the dogs are barking. How is your mind reacting? You might notice that your mind is actually ‘following the sound’ and  ‘tuning in’ to the barking. The more we work hard to try and ‘block something out’, the more we are actually tuning into it. Resistance is a form of attachment. Hence the aphorism, ‘what we resist persists’.

If we are ‘tuned in’ to a sound, and our mind has become agitated, then ‘tuning out’ is almost impossible. Once you are already ‘fuming’ and ‘crazy’ a relaxing sleep is unlikely!

In your example of the residential above, I was able to hold my awareness on my object of meditation, and was barely aware of the background noise. My mind was not disturbed by it, and so when it came time for me to sleep, there was no problem. My mind was relaxed and I slept easily.

In meditating, choose your object of meditation, and then gently hold your awareness there. Keep bringing your awareness back to your object. This skill takes time to cultivate, but one acquired can be used in different situations.

Meditation shouldn’t be used as a ‘sleep-aid’, otherwise your body will come to associate meditation with sleep, and each time you try to meditate you will become sleepy and have trouble staying awake during meditation!

The point is that I had already acquired the skill of choosing where I place my attention, so when there were potentially disturbing sounds, my mind did not ‘follow them’, and become agitated, and so I was able to sleep.

Maybe the barking dogs are a gift that can support you in going deeper with your meditation… or if you don’t feel ready for that, you can resort to the good old-fashioned method of calling the neighbors to tell them their dogs are bothering you!

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Ruth Hadikin is a Coach and Author. She supports people through coaching, training and public speaking. For more information visit dreamcoach.co.uk

For support with meditation, communication and/or relating skills contact ruth@dreamcoach.co.uk

In part one we explored reactions due to past-conditioning. Here we will look at ‘change-back’ reactions.

All change is uncomfortable, even desired change can cause stress. We all love a vacation, yet believe it or not vacations are a known factor for causing stress! So if even a desired change can stress us out, imagine one which comes at us out of the blue, initiated by another person: for example, our boss tells us we’re fired, or our partner wants a divorce.

These are extreme examples, but even minor changes bring up a strong desire in us to try to keep things just as they are, and maintain the status-quo, so that life at least seems manageable.

So when we are the one who is initiating a change in a relationship, even a small one, as stressful as it is for us, we must also remember how much more stressful it is for the other person. Again, this does not mean tolerating any ‘bad’ or harmful behavior on their part, but simply to be mindful that emotions are running high, and to give the other person plenty of space while holding them in a compassionate light.

give the other person plenty of space
while holding them in a compassionate light.

Having said that, they will react to your changes. ‘Change-back’ reactions are unconscious attempts to get you to change back to the way you were before, and have life get back to ‘normal’ (meaning the way it was before). It is part of our learned coping-mechanism, and can be activated by the smallest of changes.

What do change-back reactions look like? They can be ‘overt’ meaning they are out in the open and you can see them, or they can be ‘covert’ meaning they are hidden from view.

Overt reactions are usually openly and directly questioning or challenging the change. Using the example of offensive language, they might openly confront you saying something like “what’s wrong with saying ****? You’ve said it yourself dozens of times, I’ve heard you!”

Covert reacting is usually indirect and hidden from view. It can range from something as simple as smoking in your home behind your back (if you have requested no smoking in your home) to more complex manipulative and sabotaging behavior. You will recognize it when you feel yourself getting drawn into an old pattern. The clue is in the pattern rather than the specific details of one event.

As difficult as it is, it is important to remember that none of this is deliberately done to hurt you, nor is it about you. It is unconscious behavior that stems from the other persons discomfort, and their very real fear of change. It is a result of their suffering, and their lack of any other skills to deal with it.

none of this is deliberately done to hurt you,
nor is it about you.

As painful as this may be, this does not make you wrong. Without change we cannot grow. Their reactions are still about their own past conditioning, and not you. The key is also to allow the other person to have their reaction, without trying to change or fix it. With compassion, we allow them to have their experience. It is part of their journey.

In intimate relationships the change-back reactions are more subtle and can be very manipulative, because more is at stake. The other person is unconsciously trying to pull you into the old role that you have always played.  So for example in a co-dependent relationship, if you have always ‘over-functioned’ in  terms of meeting the other person’s needs, when you stop doing one thing for them, they may begin asking you to do something else instead, to keep you in that role.

As you step out of this unhealthy dynamic, the other person has to begin learning new skills – the important skills of meeting their own needs. You are giving them a precious opportunity for growth, whether they take it is their own choice. They may simply find someone else who will fill the gap, and replace YOU.

This is where it can touch upon your own fear, and many of us stay in unsatisfactory relationships, and tolerate unhealthy behavior, because we fear that if we don’t play that role, then our partner will find someone else who will.

This is why, when we begin to raise our standards we need support, and much compassion – for ourselves as well as others. We need to go slowly at first and ask ourselves, am I ready?  You have to develop yourself to the point where you do have compassion and enough inner resources to handle the changes you are initiating.

You may be fortunate enough to be in a situation with a partner who, despite the discomfort, and the many mistakes we will make along the way, is still willing to dance with you. They are willing to change and grow with you. If this is the case then you have a wonderful opportunity to explore these dynamics together, and use your experiences for mutual growth. This is where relationship fulfills it’s highest purpose, as a learning ground for our personal and spiritual development.

Either way, whether you choose to stay in relationship and raise your standards, or whether the relationship is one where that can’t happen, holding the other person in a compassionate light and allowing them their reaction without trying to ‘fix’ them, sets you both free.

allowing them their reaction without trying to ‘fix’ them,
sets you both free.

What about relationships with parents or siblings? The principle is the same.  Every relationship is unique, complex and different. There are no specific  answers that will fit every situation, but there are core principles  that apply.  Whether you are relating with a neighbor, co-worker, sibling or life partner, the key is:

• give each other space,
• hold others (and yourself) in a compassionate light,
• bring the best of who you are to the relationship and
• allow them their reaction.

Applying these principles will bring freedom and light into every relationship.

Remember that others’ reactions are not about you, but are a result of their past-conditioning being activated by their fear and pain. Keep moving to the highest and best of who you are.

Change is a normal part of healthy growth and development. By having some effective relating tools we can enjoy our relationships and experience them as learning grounds that support our growth rather than limit us.

_____________________

Ruth Hadikin is a Coach and Author. She supports people through coaching, training and public speaking. For more information visit dreamcoach.co.uk

For personal support with communication and relating skills contact ruth@dreamcoach.co.uk

One of the biggest reasons why we don’t set boundaries, even when we know how to, is because we either fear the reactions of others, or we feel guilty. Guilt comes from the erroneous belief that we caused the other persons reaction.

When we change ourselves, others around us will react to that change. At least two factors will be influencing their reaction: their own past conditioning, and an unconscious desire to get you to change back.

First let’s look at reactions caused by past-conditioning. We can do this by remembering the ‘three women on the bus’. The story goes like this:

Three women get on a bus, and just before they pay, they have a discussion about where they will get off. The driver becomes irate, loses his temper and shouts at them: “you should have decided where you wanted to get off, before you got on the bus!” (btw that was his reaction!)

The women quickly pay and go to the back of the bus, whereupon one woman bursts into tears saying “this is so embarassing, he’s right, we should have decided before we got on.”

A second woman is furious, she says “Is he heck right! Who does he think he is to speak to us like that? I’ve a good mind to get down there and poke him in the eye!”

And the third woman bursts out laughing. The other two look at her and say “What are you laughing at?” She says “This reminds me of home. Back home the bus drivers are always like him!”

So we can see that each woman had a very different reaction to the bus driver’s outburst. Did the bus driver make the first woman sad, the second woman angry, and the third woman happy? No! He doesn’t have that power. Each reaction was based on the individual woman’s past experience, and past-conditioning.

In our relationships we become so convinced that we are sad, angry, or happy because of what the other person said or did, that we lose sight of this vitally important point:

It was not what the bus driver did that caused their reaction,
but their own past conditioning.

Likewise the other persons reaction is caused by their past-conditioning, and not by you. So when it comes to us raising our standards, and setting boundaries, before we begin we already know that others are going to react. How they react depends upon their past conditioning. Knowing that their own past-conditioning, and hence their reaction, is not actually about us, helps us to take a step back and not engage with it.

This takes some skill. We don’t want to shut the other person out of our hearts completely. So it is important to be able to hold them in a compassionate light, and care about them. Remembering that these changes are not their choice. However, neither do we want to overstep the mark and slip into care-taking their behavior. It is not our job to try and fix the other person or change them. So this means not engaging with, or trying to fix, their reaction. That is not our responsibility.

In relationship we are only responsible for our own conduct and behavior, and the other person is responsible for theirs. Walking the fine line of staying in the middle, keeping our boundaries in place, and caring for others without care-taking them, takes quite a mature and advanced set of skills. When we can finally walk this fine line with grace and compassion we set ourselves, and others, free.

We do this by allowing.
Allow them their reaction, knowing you didn’t cause it.

Don’t try to fix them. They are on their own journey, as much as you are on yours. Hold them in a compassionate light, and at the same time be very compassionate with yourself. In allowing their reaction, this does not mean you put yourself in harms way. If there is the slightest hint of mental, emotional or physical abuse towards you in their reaction, then you leave the situation. Keeping yourself safe at all times is paramount. (see the six stages of boundary setting)

Most of us go through life in ‘reaction’. Most of our relationships are simply reaction meeting reaction. If we look at many relationships at home and work, including those behaviors that lead up to (and following) divorce, we will see an ongoing ‘dance’ of unconscious reaction meeting unconscious reaction.

Having the ability to step to the side, and not react to anothers’ unconscious reaction, is the first step to conscious relating. It puts us in a place of choice. And from there something can be different, and better, for all concerned.

In Part Two we will look at ‘change-back’ reactions, what they are, and what to do about them!

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Ruth Hadikin is a Coach and Author. She supports people through coaching, training and public speaking. For more information visit dreamcoach.co.uk

For personal support with communication and relating skills contact ruth@dreamcoach.co.uk

These stages don’t have to be followed in order, and for the most part, with most reasonable people, we will never need to go beyond stage one. For instance if we are friends and you inform (step 1) me that you feel uncomfortable about something, I’m going to want to change that behavior right away, because we are friends and I care about you.

The Six Stages of Boundary Setting

So here we go with the classic six stages of boundary setting. Remember boundaries are not brick walls to keep people out. They are imaginary boundaries that we draw to protect mind, body and soul and allow us to be with others in a way that honors us both.

At any point if you feel threatened, or you are getting ‘wound up’, you can leave – you don’t have to work through every stage, and you should certainly never put yourself at risk of mental, emotional or physical harm by struggling with someone who is obviously not listening to you.

1.    Inform.

Let the other person know your standard, or what is bothering you. It is amazing how often I hear people say he knows, or more often ‘he should know by now’. If there is a problem, why not clearly and simply let the other person know? Don’t make a big guessing game out of it.

Example: Do you know I feel repulsed by dirty jokes?

2.     Request.

If the other person hasn’t already done so (and most will) simply and clearly ask them to stop or change the behavior, for example:

Will you stop telling dirty jokes when I’m around?

3.     Educate.

Give alternatives, and/or model the new behavior yourself.

Example: Tell the same joke but give the cleaned up version.

4.     Warn.

It mostly never comes to this. However with a few people, if the behavior keeps repeating, it may be necessary to give fair warning that there will be consequences if the intransigent behavior continues.

Example: If you continue telling those jokes, I’ll leave.

You’ll need to give this some careful thought because if you give a warning you must be able to carry it through, or your boundaries go down the pan. If this is a social situation you might warn that you’re going home if it continues.

If it is a workplace situation you might warn that you’ll speak to your boss to request a switch of office or working environment, or change shifts to avoid this person. It is better to keep it immediate, such as just leaving the room on this occasion.

5.     Demand.

You’ve given your warning, so if the behavior continues you make a final demand. Firmly insist they stop or change the behavior right now, or you will do whatever you said you would in step 4 (above).

6.     Leave.

Remove yourself from the immediate situation. At least leave the room. Show clearly that you are not willing to be with the behavior. Clearly  let the other person know that it is not them, but the behavior that you find unacceptable. Then leave.

Depending upon the severity of the behavior this may mean leaving the relationship, but it usually just means leaving the immediate situation until the offending behavior stops.

If you set high standards you have to be prepared to follow through yourself. You can’t expect others to respect your boundaries if you don’t, so be consistent. If you say you don’t like swearing, for example, then don’t swear yourself.

Creating The Optimum Environment

Set the scene. Any good gardener would prepare the ground first, before planting seeds, to make sure those seeds have the best chance to grow. Planting seeds in our relationships is no different!

Begin with the small stuff, and the easy people first. People who you know will be open and receptive to what you have to say. Practice your skills and develop your competence before you even begin addressing difficult issues, and/or people.

When setting boundaries always, always, be calm – with no emotional charge. Don’t even try setting boundaries when you are angry or charged. Calm down first.

Keep your language simple, clear, and focused on the behavior and how you feel about it. Don’t elaborate or bring in illustrations from the past to ‘make your case’. It just doesn’t help.

Remember your goal is not to make the other person feel bad but rather to change the behavior, so you want their full co-operation.

This is not about making the other person wrong or scoring points. It is about creating an environment of mutual respect in which your relationship can grow.

Related Article: Calm Down – And Set Strong Boundaries

Ruth Hadikin is a Coach and Author. She supports people through coaching, training and public speaking. For more information visit dreamcoach.co.uk

For personal support with communication and relating skills contact ruth@dreamcoach.co.uk

Being able to recognize when we are becoming emotionally charged, and then having the skill and presence to calm ourselves down, involves a highly advanced set of skills, and it does not happen by accident. Where experienced and mature people seem able to control their emotions and calm themselves down, it has usually taken years of practice.

Keep an eye on YOU. Observing yourself in all situations is an important skill to have, so you can catch yourself very early in the process of getting wound up. The sooner you realize you are getting angry, anxious or upset the sooner you can take steps to calm yourself before things get out of hand. Remember the important piece of acknowledging your feelings.

There are many things you can do to stay calm. Withdraw from the conversation or situation. Take time to focus on yourself and breathe. No matter what the situation is, it is always OK to take time out to calm yourself. This is how to acknowledge and take care of your own feelings. Take responsibility for this and make your feelings a priority.

Learn some simple breathing and relaxation techniques and rehearse them BEFORE you need them.

Remember a driver doesn’t wait until a child has run in front of a car before practicing the emergency stop. Likewise, you will need to have practised these techniques before you need them so they will work for you when you do.

Once you are calm you might choose to let the other person know what is bothering you.

Communicating Assertively
If you do choose to communicate here are some important points to remember:

• Stay calm.
• Tell the person what you want to say – as simply and clearly as possible. Do not elaborate or bring in past situations. When stress and emotions are running high, it is harder for people to hear, and take in information.
• Give the person the same respect that you would wish for, if the situation was reversed.
• Allow them their response without reacting to it
• Calmly repeat your initial point.

The ability to calm ourselves down is one of the most beneficial skills we can learn in relating. Being able to take ownership of our own inner reactions and feelings, is a sign of maturity. We don’t make our feelings be about the other person. All of this then allows us to choose a response which honors ourselves, and the other person, in the situation.

When we choose to set boundaries, we are letting the other person know our standards. So our boundaries are always about us, not them.

There is a Right Way And A Wrong Way To Set Boundaries.
We set boundaries around our personal standards in order to protect them. An example of a personal standard might be something that bothers you, or a standard you want to uphold.

Think of something, and turn it into a ‘standard statement’, such as:
“I don’t allow people reading over my shoulder”.
Once you have defined your standard, it is your job to let others know your standards – since they can’t read your mind.

This is called setting boundaries. It is about educating people how to behave around you – letting others know what behavior is acceptable in your space.

Remember, your standards are about YOU. Own them, and when setting boundaries use ‘I’ language. It is not boundary-setting to say things like “Stop that – you are annoying me” This makes the other person wrong without giving them any specific behavioral cues that they can change.

I speak to many clients who think they have set boundaries. They say “I’ve told him I don’t like it.” When in actual fact, they have only criticized the other person and made them wrong, without ever setting a clear boundary.

There are 6 stages to effective boundary-setting which are:

1.    Inform
2.    Request
3.    Educate
4.    Warn
5.    Demand
6.    Leave

At any point if you feel threatened, or you are getting ‘wound up’, you can leave – you don’t have to work through every stage, and you should certainly never put yourself at risk of mental, emotional or physical harm by struggling with someone who is obviously not listening to you.

Exercise: Using the example above (of not liking someone reading over your shoulder) how might each of the 6 stages above sound?
Create a sentence for each one.

Remember, be specific: this is about the behavior, not the person. Your standard is about you.

Practice boundary-setting with the small things first. Choose family or friends who you know will be easy about it to begin with. Don’t make the ‘all-or-nothing’ mistake. Many people sabotage their early boundary-setting attempts by choosing their boss, or most difficult work colleague or family member to begin with. That’s just crazy. Don’t set yourself up to fail. Start small until you have built up your skill level, before you go for the ‘big guns’!

By practising these techniques often we gradually improve our relating skills and experience a higher quality in our one to one interactions with others. Assertiveness, rather than making the other person wrong, can become a finely-tuned skill of mutual respect and regard.

With time and patience it allows us to hold the other person in a positive light while still recognizing and asserting the right to have our own needs respected and honored.

Ruth Hadikin is a Coach and Author. She supports people through coaching, training and public speaking. For more information visit dreamcoach.co.uk

For personal support with communication and relating skills contact ruth@dreamcoach.co.uk

What is the difference between assertiveness and aggression?

There are two important differences between aggression and assertion:
1)    If someone thinks we are being aggressive we probably haven’t calmed down enough before trying to communicate with them. The aggressive person is still in the grip of an emotional charge, while the assertive person is calm.

2)    The assertive person also uses ‘I’ language rather than ‘you’. This allows us to take ownership of our own feelings and reactions. With ‘I’ language we are taking responsibility for ourselves while ‘you’ language can sound blaming or accusatory.

For example if a colleague says something which we find offensive, instead of saying  “You offended me” (which sounds blaming, accusatory and provocative) the assertive statement would be “when you said (whatever), I felt offended”. The assertive statement respects how we feel without judging and/or making the other person wrong.

To be truly assertive you need to remember three steps:

1.    Calm down.

This is a skill in itself which takes time and patience to learn. Until we can calm down we are better not saying anything to the other person. (Unless in exceptional circumstances). Remember, if you are not calm, you will most likely be experienced as aggressive by the other person. You can only be assertive once you have become calm.

The skill of calming ourselves is cumulative. The more we practice the faster it happens. However, because our emotions are important messengers, we often cannot calm down until we have acknowledged what it is that is bothering us. It is important therefore, not to skip step 2 (below). It is vital for our own health, growth, learning, and well-being that we acknowledge and honor what we are feeling.

2.    Get Clear

Ask yourself three questions:
•    “What is happening?” (or “What just happened?”)
•    “What do I FEEL about it?”
•    “What needs to change or be different?”

3.  Respond

Your response could be some form of communication and/or boundary setting, and depending on the circumstances it could also simply be choosing to say or do nothing, and walking away.

IMPORTANT – TAKE TIME TO CALM DOWN AND CONSIDER THESE QUESTIONS BEFORE YOU MOVE TO RESPOND. IT IS IMPORTANT AND YOU DESERVE IT.  WHAT YOU FEEL MATTERS. YOU MATTER.

By practising these techniques often we gradually improve our relating skills and experience a higher quality in our one to one interactions with others. Assertiveness, rather than making the other person wrong, can become a finely-tuned skill of mutual respect and regard. With time and patience it allows us to hold the other person in a positive light while still recognizing and asserting the right to have our own needs respected and honored.

Ruth Hadikin is a Coach and Author. She supports people through coaching, training and public speaking. For more information visit dreamcoach.co.uk

For personal support with communication and relating skills contact ruth@dreamcoach.co.uk

What are interpersonal skills?
‘Inter’ means between. For example if you see an inter-city train it is a train that goes between cities. So interpersonal skills are ‘skills between persons‘ (that’s people to you and me).

What are intrapersonal skills?
‘Intra’ means within. So just like an organizations’ intranet is a network within the organization, so intrapersonal skills are the skills of going within ourselves. They are the skills we use in self-reflection and they involve our ability to look within and explore our own judgements, thinking patterns, reactions and responses to develop deeper insight and self-awareness.

We use interpersonal and intrapersonal skills, to varying degrees, in all our relationships. This includes relationships with loved ones, our significant other, our friends, our family, our colleagues, when we meet strangers or new people, and people we work with and see every day. They are the vital skills of how we be with, and relate to, other people.

Interpersonal and intrapersonal skills involve complex sets of skills which weave together into a coherent whole style of relating so that we are largely unaware of the skills that we use every day. They include communication skills and other skills such as:
•    being able to sense what other people are feeling,
•    knowing what we are thinking and feeling and how this makes us behave – we call this being aware of ourselves in the relationship – or being ‘self-aware’
•    being able to express our own feelings
•    being able to handle our feelings in ways that are safe and respectful to ourselves and other people
•    understanding the effects of our feelings and behavior on other people
•    being able to support other people through emotional difficulties

Although we use these skills in our relationships every day, we can always improve them. As we improve our emotional intelligence and relating skills all our relationships can get better.

Why would we want to improve our emotional intelligence?
Improving our interpersonal skills helps us to enrich relationships with friends, family and loved ones. It helps us to cope better at work, and in social situations and especially when we come across situations and people who are difficult or challenging for us.

Ruth Hadikin is a Coach and Author. She supports people through coaching, training and public speaking. For more information visit dreamcoach.co.uk

For personal support with communication and relating skills contact ruth@dreamcoach.co.uk

Here is my response:

I used to have trouble sleeping, and haven’t had a problem for years.

This is an excellent method, but so simple you probably don’t believe it will work!

You have to re-train your mind to sleep, and break the habit of lying awake.

Here’s how:
Watch Your breath.
On every in breath, think ‘so’
On every out breath think ‘hum’.

That’s it. Keep thinking ‘so-hum’*.
Every time your mind wanders off… just gently bring it back (it is important not to get agitated with yourself, because that will wake you up.)

Now here’s the thing…. It takes time to break a habit. Your mind has simply got into the habit of using bedtime to think about stuff. (I know one friend who can do a whole crossword in her mind – how amazing is that? Trouble is now her mind thinks night-time is all about creating crossword puzzles!)

So this won’t work at first. Your mind will think “what are you mad? This is soooo boring!”

IT IS IMPORTANT TO CONTINUE ANYWAY.

It can take a couple of months but eventually, your mind will switch off, and on the first ‘so-hum’ you will be snoring like a pig.

If you wake in the night and can’t get back to sleep, just go back to doing ‘so-hum’. Your brain will soon get the point that night-time is for sleeping, not for thinking, or worrying. Plenty of time for that during the day.

Now I don’t need to do it anymore because the old pattern is broken, and so I just fall asleep as soon as I get into bed.

It really works: all you have to do is be determined and keep it up.

Things That Don’t Help

Don’t put the light on. Get up. Go to eat something. Get a glass of wine. Read a book… or anything else to keep your mind ‘occupied’. All of these are things people I know have tried because they are bored, restless, frustrated and can’t sleep. Bored and restless are sure signs that your mind is alert and wants to play – it wants you to engage. If you do, that will become the new habit. (I know one person who wakes up at 3am every morning like clockwork for a glass of wine. This has become the new habit.)

Practising ‘so-hum’ or some other gentle technique where you are simply observing your breath, will help your body to relax, and your mind will eventually follow suit. It takes practice and discipline but you CAN break the habit.

It only takes 21 days to break a habit

It’s true. If you try this new technique for 21 days you could be cured of your sleep issues for ever! It just takes discipline, patience and persistence. You have to apply yourself consistently to get results.

Prepare yourself for sleep

Taking 30 minutes quiet time before bed can really make a difference. Not watching TV or listening to music, but just quietly reading, or meditating. Also monitor your consumption of alcohol – heavy drinking can cause restlessness and sleep disturbance. No stimulants such as tea or coffee after 7pm too, can help.

All of the above can really help to prepare body and mind for sleep, but the most important thing is to re-train your mind, so that it knows that bedtime is for sleeping! Now the only question is … how much sleep do you want? You might have to re-train your brain to wake up again!

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*Some of you may know that So-hum is actually a Mantra Meditation. It isn’t designed as a ‘sleep-aid’ but it does work. However, if you practice this as a Mantra for meditation purposes, don’t use it to help you sleep. Otherwise you’ll be falling asleep during your meditations! For more on Sohum Mantra Meditation read this .

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Ruth Hadikin is a Coach and Author. She supports people through coaching, training and public speaking. For more information visit dreamcoach.co.uk

For personal support with sleep issues contact ruth@dreamcoach.co.uk